My Snow Diary!!

I know this joke has been around forever.  But cleaning out my computer I came across it again and …. well………. it just needs to be dusted off and shared again!  Warning! There is some foul language… but…. it’s about SNOW!!!
August 12: Moved to our new home in Colorado. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.

October 14:Colorado is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

November 11: Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 2: Woke up to find a blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!! It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had.  We even had a snow ball fight (I won), and when the snow-plow came by, (that little scoundrel!) we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Colorado. What a perfect life!!

December 5: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again to the driveway (that scamp!!). I love it here.

December 12:  The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbor, Bob, tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again.  I don’t think that’s possible.  Bob is such a nice man.  I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I need to catch the snow plow driver, would love to get his schedule.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 18: More white crap last night.  Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after the  snow plow goes through.  Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of the white crap. The weather man says to expect another 10″ to tonight.  Do you KNOW how many shovels full of snow 10 inches IS?!?!?

December 19: Finally got out of the house today.  Went to the store to get food and on the way back damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it.  $3,009 damage to the car. Those damn deer, I wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.

December 20: Another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 21: Paid bill to the city.  $452 for not shoveling the sidewalks last week.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I’ll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25: Merry -$^#%$&%- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a frickin’ idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH I’m married to is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don’t shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?