Retired And Loving It Sorta…..

I never thought being retired would require so much math. First, I hate math. I am NOT good at math.

Yesterday, The Husband—the man I once (ONCE!) believed to be full of romance and spontaneity—sat me down with a spreadsheet. A spreadsheet people! As in a BUDGET?!? The Princess on a budget??

Nothing says “I love you” like a color-coded list titled: Connies Monthly Budget: Please Stop Buying Stuff.

The Husband pointed to a line item labeled “Miscellaneous.”

“That’s your spending money,” The Husband said.

“But it’s only $100,” I whispered.

“That’s plenty,” Mr. McScrooge responded.

That’s The Moment

That is the exact at moment, Little Peanuts, that I realized The Husband is mean. Okay, okay, before we all grab pitch forks, he’s not mean in the traditional sense—he still holds the door for me and brings me coffee—but in a “we will be broke if you keep buying random rugs from Wayfair” kind of way. (BUT, it is a REALLY great rug!!)

Not one to give up, I tried to negotiate.

“What if the rug is on sale,” I asked.

“Still no.”

“What if it’s ON CLEARANCE??”

He paused. OHHHHH I LOVE A GOOD PAUSE!!!

(I knew I could break him!)

“Maybe.” (I can absolutely work with maybe!)

So, now I’m not only Connie The Head Peanut. BUT Connie, Head Peanut, Clearance Sale Ninja. (That has a nice ring to it)

I’m developing my skill set.

Strategy. AND Stealth.

Meanwhile, The Husband checks my Amazon cart like it’s a national security threat.

“Why do we need a glitter glue gun?”

Blinking eyes, in TRUE DISBELIEF “Because sparkles are my happiness!”

He left the craftroom sighing and muttering something about “staying retired comfortably,” like that’s important or something. I mean HELLO! I would drive him to work everyday because I AM A GREAT WIFE!!

I suppose deep down (LIKE REALLY BURIED DEEP, DEEP, DOWN!) I understand. I want to enjoy retirement too. I just thought retirement meant margaritas, travel, and impulse shopping—not coupons and cost-per-use calculations.

But marriage is about compromise. And since he wants to “budget responsibly,” I’ll be reasonable…I’ll stick to my spending limit.

He’ll pretend not to notice the extra “mystery packages.”

And we will live happily ever after…

Comfortably retired, slightly sneaky, and with a fabulous rug on the way. (Did I mention it’s A REALLY pretty rug!?)

5 Comments

Rose

January 2, 2026 at 5:26 pm Reply

Oh oh, I’m cracking up, but I can also relate. However, I have to argue with myself – you know the monkeys that sit on each side of my shoulders. One who is the budget watcher, the other is the one who notices all the things I really need/want… I notice that being retired is is SOOO hard to not spend! And then also the crafts. My soap making is only for fun, but there are many good sales, and that makes it ok, right? No… Also, too, with crafts, you have the basics, then there is always something additional. My other obsession is fragrance, my newest, and I have to really stop myself. I’m seeing on the sites so many gals have tons of bottles, they clearly have long ago crossed the line of “need.” I only have a few, but my fingers get twitchy at those sales….
I don’t know if it would be easier or harder if a hubby existed to bring out the “spreadsheet” oh oh, it is so hard to explain need as in glitter gun NEED! This would be me with soap NEEDed a certain mold, etc, even tho I haven’t used all of them yet. No, I haven’t bought the one I NEED …. yet. The conservative monkey is winning for the moment – no hubby or spreadsheet, but I have to say no to myself. It was easier when working 60 hours a week coming home and crashing, too tired to think of anything much!!